confused

Hello,
I’ve been under the weather lately,
It’s just too god damn cold!
I can’t exactly wear a huge jacket under my Abaya!
So yeah, I’ve been sick : (
Here is what happened next
………………………………….


It was raining outside..
I was on the way to the airport to meet my fiancé
He is only passing by for a few days
Just to check up on me
While I finish my pre-wedding shopping

My father would think this was against our traditions
And that he should not have come!
Thankfully my mother said she would help me keep the secret!!

Almost there…
I search my bag for my lip gloss
Fiddling around in my bag I find a business card
Wow! It just slipped my mind
Did I forget?
It was only a week ago when I saw him
And he saw my ring!
Why did he give me his number?
Why find it now?
I put I in the pocket of my bag
And decide to put HIM in a pocket in my head
And only to think of the lovely man I’m going to meet in the airport..
Yes, the one I will spend the rest of my life with


My fiancé arrives
I basically jump on him
We go to his hotel
I wait in the lobby while he drops his bas off
(As it would be un-heard of for me to go to his room)
We go out for lunch..
We spend an amazing 4 days together,
My mother joins us sometimes
But all in all, we have a great time..

The thing is, I do not tell him what happened with Mr. X..
I just keep him and his number in my pocket!
He does jump out on my sometimes..
Just a quick thought passing in my head
A quick,, what if? Why not?
But I put them all to rest
And try to forget about them

My fiancé goes back home a few days later
I go back to my routine
I’m sick of shopping
I’m sick of the cold
I’m sick!
And I’m sick of Mr. X passing through my thoughts as if he had a right to do so!

I feel violated!
…………………………………………………..
It’s been a month..
The thought of calling him does not pass through my head
But the thought of him just becomes more dominant
The count down to my wedding has begun
If I have doubts, does this mean this is the biggest mistake of my life?
Or if I did not have doubts would that mean I was a complete imbecile?

I’m so confused
Not about my fiancé.. I love him!
But I have a feeling there is something I should do
I need closure
But how?!

Could it be?

Hello

Well, my life is very boring these days
So I decided to borrow a friend’s story and make it my own
Sad? I know..
……………….

It was a frosty morning
The wind that tickled my nose was not friendly
Regardless of the sun that tried its best to shine
But sometimes you try
As hard as u can
Yet you fail
I want to tell the sun I understand
How hard it is to shine
Sometimes
…………..
The park was almost empty
Except for that man on his bicycle
The woman stretching
And the dog running endlessly
Towards..
Oh I don’t know where the dog was going
He probably didn’t either
But the freedom was just too much to resist
…………
Lost in my thoughts
My eyes shift towards a man
I stop
He stops
No it can’t be him
My heart goes numb
For a while that felt like forever
How long?
When?
Am I still there?
In the twinkle in his eyes
I try to find myself
Without a word
We approach each other
I can’t see myself

I stop
He stops

I try to look back
I need to escape this feeling
………………

I remembered a day when I begged

‘For you.. the end of my tears
The end of my poetry
For you.. I grant
The end of my fears


Bestowed upon a star
A love so complex
Now too far
Too far for it to show
Too far for u too feel
Too weak to glow


You have absorbed me
My thoughts
My love
My feelings
My glee
You have somehow
Become a part of me


Grant me my freedom
Beg me not to stay
Give me the strength
To turn away’
…………

He asked me if this could be true?
After all these years
We hug
He holds my hand
And lifts it up
Just to find the engagement ring!

PERDU

Sometimes you wake up just
full of the morning
You just want to jump up
And start your life
 
Other times you just don’t
want to move
You close your eyes
Holding on to that thin
string of darkness
Praying.. just hoping that
you can go back to that dream
The one where your heart wasn’t
aching
Where your stomach wasn’t
winding
Where you could just
BREATHE
 
I am going nowhere with my
life
Stuck on a side walk
With a burning feeling inside
So strong it could just melt
the ground
And trap your feet just there
 
A new job.. yes
But my dreams are still old
Still not fulfilled
And not on the way to be
 
I am stuck
Stuck I say
In a single moment
Where it stopped
My life
My hope
My dream
……………………
 
I am sorry I have been gone
so long
Let’s just say
My muse was just
Asleep
 
Take care my friends

he does not know

She writes to him
Though he cannot read
Too blind to see
Who he wants to be

She sings to him
Though he cannot hear
For that she vowed
To shed more tears

She dances to his tune
A tune of love
That dies too soon

He lifts her up into the sky
Then leaves her there
To watch over him
He does not know
How high she goes
With just a word
Or a single rose

She holds her life
In the palm of her hand
She tells him she has a gift
For him to keep
By his side
She says it is big
She says it is wide
Yet next to him
It is small enough to fit
The palm of his hand
Hoping that one day
He will understand

She is a poet
Without the song
She is a poet
A poet for too long
Too small for time
Too small for the world
To turn and smile
To stop the clock
And listen.. for a while

She tells her story
She writes a book
She is the one
That he should see
He is the one
Who dares not to look!

Love is in the AIR :)

AAAAAAAAhhhhhhh.. i just LOVE him!!!!

so PEOPLE OF THE BLOG WORLD.. how have u all been?!!

i hope u have all been having a great time.. aaaaas 4 meeee :))))

well.. things didnt quite go as planned (none-the-lesssss, it has been amazing).. my dear boy friend decided to ***SURPRISE*** me and arrive earlier that planned.. therefore, his place was ,, umm,, well,, A MESS!!! lol BUT, being the sweet heart he is, he appreciated everything i was doing (be it half way) he still thanked me for three days!!

picture this:
i'm on the floor, with piles and piles of books and papers scattered all around the room.. trying to decide what to put where.. plates in the dishwasher, bags full of goodies all over the place.. a canvas with a picture of him in his fav football shirt on the floor with sticky tape and a frame, and me trying to fit it in (since the place APPPARANTLY do not frame the pics for u!!!!!) my hair was in some sort of "pony tale" shall we say.. ALL OF A SUDDEN.. i hear keys in the door,, so i start to freak out.. i didnt realise they were keys at first, i thought someone was trying to break in!!! so i jump up, and decide to hide (since i'm just a scardy cat!!!!) i freeze in my place as the door pops open,, and there he is :)


needless to say, he was just as freaked as i was!!! we were both screaming (shock-joy-surprise) types of screams.. about 5 seconds later i just jumped on him.. i explained my "new look" and we just laughed.. he helped me clean up the place,, and do what i was there to do.. we jumped into the shower (Dont get excited i showered first then him :p) got dressed up, and went out for dinner.. passed by the grocery store at 1.00 am after our after-dinner walk around london.. we went back to his place, and stayed up ALLL night.. it wasn't perfect in the sense that everything went wrong.. but to me,, it was even better than that!!

I DIDNT REALISE HOW MUCH I MISSED HIM!!!

we've been having a 'wicked' british time!! going to all sorts of places.. all the old markets, walks by the river, the parks, the river boats, the shops and the best isolated clubs! it's been grand..

now here's the thing.. my mum and dad r going back to Saudi on the 17th.. my baby is going to Paris for three days on the 13th.. and he wants me to go with him.. OBVIOUSLYYY, i can NOT tell my parents.. so i'm trying to make up a story.. i neeeeeed them to let me go.. its our anniversary soon, and he wants us to celebrate there! so i was thinking.. shall i say something work related?! but then they might say "ur work just SUDDENLY came up?" or shall i say going to c a friend (HAAA!!! as ifff THAT would work!!!!).. if worse comes to worse.. i'll ask them if i can sleep over at my friends place and just go for a day without them knowing.. but how RISKY is THAT?!!!!

aaaaaaah.. I WANT TO GOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! pray for me!!!

intermission

I love you more than I can handle
I need you more than I can bare
I have given you all that I can give
I have completely fallen for you
For the first time EVER
I am not afraid of reaching the bottom
Finally,
I believe..
Finally,
I trust..
Finally,
I know that I never will
………………………..

hello my friends,
I have many un-finished posts about my story..
I have come to the conclusion, that in order to proceed with it, I need a break for a while. Plz don’t kill me for not posting part six, its just that I can’t get into the mood I was in be4.. rest assured, I WILL post the rest of my story up till now, but not in this post, not right now.. I hope u understand..

………………………………………………………………

Well, I am finally in London (once again) .. the number of Abaya’s has gone down (thank God) plz don’t start a religious argument because that is NOT what I mean, I’m not talking about people covering up for religious reasons, I’m talking about the Arab bimbos who go around walking in black cloths trying to pick up men (sickening).. They invade the UK every July up to August, but they have gone down in numbers this time.. I just HATE them!!! Augh!!!

Back to the point! My beloved is coming to London in a few days I am soooo excited!!! I have a few things I need and I mean NEED to do be4 he comes I wont go into details but lets just say it involves eye brows, upper lip, legs etc etc.. u know the painful stuff girls go through and men don’t appreciate :-p

Oh I almost forgot the tanning bed! I neeeeed a tan!!!!

Other than preparing myself, I need to prepare his apartment, well I don’t NEED to I want to ☺

So I was thinking:
*flowers
*groceries
*toiletries
*a new picture of me in a frame next to his bed :-p
*a few home accessories..

u know, I just want the apartment to look a bit different when he comes, new somehow! And fresh,, yes fresh! (if u have any ideas plz feel free to share) especially if ur a guy, plz tell me what u would love ur girlfriend to surprise u with.. and be4 u ask, I have the keys to his place, and no he doesn’t mind me playing around with the place, he enjoys it when I do that.. so plz leave ur suggestions..

maybe I’ll have this playing in the background when he comes in :-p

“Baby tonight is just your night 
And I will do you right 
Just make a wish on your night
 Anything that you ask 
I will give you the love of your life.” Boyz II Men

………………………………………………………………

I really don’t want to jinx this. but this is the best time of my life (mashallah mashallah) after a few years, a relationship may begin to seem (boring) but now as our seventh anniversary is approaching, seems we are doing pretty good.. I hope it stays this way,, its been so long since I have felt butterflies in my tummy when I hear his voice! Oh I just LOVE him!!! Ok ok enough..
……………………………………………………………..

ok then people, I need to prepare a shopping list, so please leave ALL ur suggestions.. I only have a few days to prepare..


thank u all in advance ☺
much obliged mate <---as they would say in the GREAT UK!

An Insight (part Five) [click for part 4]

John Sheffield once said “'Tis the most tender part of love, each other to forgive.”
………………………………………………………………

He has given me a gift
Greater than the world
Greater than his pride
Greater than my sins

He has given me a book
I lost long ago
Pages of happiness
Written on dusty cards
On a birthday
Once upon a time

He has given me an oath
Forever to remain
The boy I fell in love with
In Paris
…………………………..

I will not lie
Nor will I claim
That smiles where all
That filled our days

The rain came
From time to time
Black thunderstorms
May have passed us by
But in the end
They passed

And day by day
The guilt
The fear
The jealousy
The black of it all
Was being washed away
By the rain
……………………………
He held my hand
The way he used to
He kissed my forehead
That has missed him so

A love once neglected
Has also forgiven us both
We vowed never to lie again
……………………………….

[A change of weather?!]

A QUOTE:
...............

Truly, to tell lies is not honorable;
but when the truth entails tremendous ruin,
To speak dishonorably is pardonable.
Sophocles, Creusa
Greek tragic dramatist (496 BC - 406 BC)
……………………………………………………

A QUESTION:
....................

Is lying addictive?
Or is FAZ?!!!!


more to come..

An Insight (part four) [click here for part 3 &1/2]

Hello everyone!!!

I am very sorry for pulling the disappearance act on all of u.. but I am BACK! I hope u have not given up on my blog.. this one is for Alice! Who reminded me that laziness was not an excuse..

Without further ado, PART FOUR.
………………………………………………………………………

“It's choice - not chance - that determines your destiny.”
Jean Nidetch
………………………………………………………………….
‘D’ FINDS OUT:
…………………
He knows..
I feel it
My friends warned me..
I knew this would happen..

He asks me: “are you hiding something?”
Me: “no!”
Him: “you can tell me anything you know!”
Me: “I know! There is nothing to tell”

I’m scared..
I tell FAZ not to call..
I tell him to wait for MY call..
……………………………….
From a previous post:

‘I Lied
I'm not quite sure if it was to save ur feelings
or mine..
It doesn’t matter. I Lied!’
………………….......
He tells me to trust him
I do
I decide to tell him
Who I really am
What I really did
I decide to tell him the truth..

He is quiet
He drops the phone
I call back
Again
Again
And again
No answer
No response

I call his best friend
He tells me he is driving ‘D’ home
He doesn’t know what’s wrong!
He doesn’t know y ‘D’ is in shock..

Instantly, I wish I hadn’t said anything at all!!

I call him all night
I can’t believe I’m loosing him!
I can’t bare the thought of loosing
The boy I fell in love with
In Paris!
…………………………………..
ME:
‘A hole in my heart
Where you used to be
Don’t leave so fast
It’s killing me

Please understand!
You said that you could
Don’t pull away your hand
You said you never would!

I was broken
I was weak
This pain is too much
This loss is too great
I can barely speak

Mend me please
This pain HE cannot ease!
It is you that I need!
It is you that I want!
It is you that I lost!

I’m sorry!’
………………………………….
HIM:
‘My angel has sinned!
How am I to believe again?
My angel has sinned!
How r the stars to shine again?
My angel has sinned!
How am I to believe?
Tell me my ‘angel’
How am I to believe?’
………………………………….
ME:
‘Forgive me this time..
I am only a girl
I needed love
I needed a friend
I needed a boyfriend
I needed a hand to protect mine
I just needed..
The boy I fell in love with
In Paris’
………………………………….
Little streams
Burning my cheeks
Great balls of fire
Inside of me
Melting me
Bit by bit
Destroying me

A need for you
I almost forgot
A love so strong
A love u taught
U were so gentle
Now u r rough
U were so sweet
U were so kind
Now u r always
Preoccupied..
…………………………………
He looks at me
Long and hard
Into my eyes
As if looking for something he lost
My heart trembles
My hand reaches out to his face
He turns away
He walks away
I break down
I cry
Head in my hands
Shaking
Just a little broken girl..
Alone.. once again..

He cries out!
He screams
From a distance
His voice pulls me up
I run outside

He is on the floor
I do not step closer
I am too afraid
He screams again
His words barely comprehendible
“WHYYYYYYYYY?”

He turns around
His face flushed
Wet with tears!
He is crying
He is just a boy
Once again..

He comes closer
And asks again
Only this time
He is whispering

Him: ‘why?’
Me: ‘I am sorry’
Him: ‘why did I do this to you?.. my angel.. my love.. why did I push u away?’
Me: in shock,, not a word!

Holding my hands, he kisses them,, he says HE is sorry.. he says He was wrong.. he says he didn’t appreciate me.. the way an angel should be appreciated!

Him: ‘I will change, I am only a boy, in love, with a girl.. I did not know how to treat, I do not deserve u! u have been there for me all the way,, I do not deserve u.. I will ask u this.. if u refuse, I will NEVER be whole again..
WILL U TAKE ME BACK?’
Me: ‘I would give the world away, if u would have ME back!’

He places his head in my lap..
We weep!
…………………………………

As this part was longer than I expected.. I will continue tomorrow.. this happened last year.. It is still hard to write about.. please leave ur comments and be as honest as u can.. I would like to improve my weaknesses.. this is as much for me, as it is for u..

thank you all :)

An Insight (part three and 1/2) [click for part 3]

Hello my friends.

In response to your comments I will not post part FOUR just yet. It is still in the making, but I have decided, that a few lines describing three years is unjust. So in this post, I will speak about the ‘lost years’.. I hope that u will enjoy this. And more importantly PLEASE do NOT judge me. I have received the punishments for the bad I have done.. TRUST ME..
…………………………………………………………
The Lost Years:
……………….

‘D’
….
I hold his hand
I shed a tear
I start to talk
He does not hear

I need some love
I need some love
I beg I beg
For just some love

He turns to me
Looks into my eyes
Gives me a kiss
Then leaves..
Back to the guys!

I search and search
For the boy in Paris
Whom I loved

I miss him so…..
………………….

I cry
Inside.. I die..
He does not care..
Anymore..
………………….

‘FAZ’
……..
I turn to him
He knows I’m broken
He knows I bleed
He knows how hard
It is to need..

He holds my hand
He wipes my tears
He tells me no one
Is worth my tears!
He tells me no one
Is worth the fears!
He tells me he will ALWAYS be
No matter what
There for me..

I say I’m sorry
For all the times
He tried to reach me
When I was blind

I promises.. I will never do that to u again..
…………………………………………….

‘D’: “why do u not care anymore?”
Me: “It is u who does not care!”
‘D’: “I have always loved u, u know that!”
Me: “Actually, I don’t”
‘D’: “I am sorry my love.. u feel this way.. I love u.. I’m sorry.. that’s all I can say”
Me: “Promise me u will not leave anymore..
Promise me u will not break me anymore..
My heart will not always be mended”

He cries
I cry
We promise to be together ALWAYS..
……………………………………………….

‘FAZ’
………
I tell him I do not deserve someone like him
I tell him I am a bad person
I pray to God he will find a better person..

He does not argue
I do not give him a reason
He understands
He moves away
But tells me
He will always be there!
……………………………………………….
……………………………………………….
Getting To Know ‘D’ and ‘FAZ’:
…………………………………..
‘D’:
……
A hard working (boy)
With a hard life
His parents have always favored his brother over him
His mother says he will fail
His father says.. Nothing to him!

He cries..
They do not know!
He tries..
He does not show!

He wants to love
He wants to be loved
He wants to be rich
He wants to be a doctor
He wants to buy a car
He wants to be strong
He wants to get his degree
He asks nothing of no one
And no one can see..
…………………………….

‘FAZ’:
………
A (man) who has it easy
A man with all he needs
Money
Cars
And a loving family

He does not cry
He does not try
[He does not need to]

He wants to have fun
He wants a new car
He wants to speak English
He wants to go shopping in Milan
He asks nothing of no one
[He does not need to]
……………………………….
……………………………….

ME:
……
(from a previous post)

‘Through the pain I smile

Only for your eyes

Only for you..

The one who causes the pain’
………………………………………….
I do not feel the need for FAZ when ‘D’ is on my side..
When I am alone, I run to FAZ and hide..

He heals my pain..
With his careless life
He tells me not to worry
There is no need to worry

He says I am an angel
He says I am a dream

He says that no one (D)
Is really who they seem

He says I am worth more
He says I am unique
His words I adore
They make me believe!
………………………………….
I am horrible to FAZ sometimes..
But..
He is ALWAYS there!
…………………………………..

I hope this gives you a clearer picture of how I was living a double life..
It is a terrible thing to do by the way..
In the end,, I hurt FAZ, I hurt ‘D’..
And I have ALWAYS been hurting myself..
………………………………………………………………

An Insight (part three) [click for part 2]

"We desire nothing so much as what we ought not to have."

Publilius Syrus
(~100 BC)
…………………………………………………………………………………………………

A CONTINUATION:
…………………………..

We walk out of sight
We ‘hide’
He tells me his name is FAZ
I tell him my name
He gives me his number
I tell him I might not call
He tells me to keep it incase I change my mind..


We part
I don’t call
I don’t see him again
I go back to Saudi
I have to go to school!
…………………………………..

IN NEED FOR MY FRIENDS:
……………………………………….
I tell them he is cold.
They tell me our story is just..
Too old!
But I love him..
They say it is not true..
The say he is a custom
I have become used to..

I disagree
I will not give up..
On love..
I will not give up..
On ‘D’


My friends and I go out for ‘coffee’
(In Riyadh this means, we go to a coffee shop on Tahleya street, wait in the car.. while the waiter brings our orders to us.. then we drive around)

‘Coffee Time’ it is!
……………………………..

A TIME OF COINCIDENCE:
…………………………….

As is the custom in Riyadh.. boys’ cars wait by girls’ cars,, and they stare at each other..
If there is a ‘click’ (I’m still not sure what these clicks r based on in Saudi)
He may hold up his number
She stores it on her phone
They have a ‘phone relationship’.

Now these types of relationships are what me and ‘D’ always laughed about..
We knew a couple who had been ‘together’ for a whole year before they even knew what their partners looked like..
‘D’ thought that was absurd..
I agreed..
At the time!
………………..

We check out the boys
They check us out too!

‘Y does that guy have a stick up his ass?’ asks my friend
‘What guy?’ I say
‘The one in the black car’ she says

I look over..
THE NOSE!

I scream,
I jump,
I explain to my friend..

FAZ simply looks over and disappears
I’m disappointed

Maybe he didn’t recognize me…
Maybe he just didn’t care!

I part with my friends..
I’m on my way home..
I’m being WATCHED!
I look over, its him..
He is ‘following my car’!!!!

I get home, he leaves..
That’s it!

Eventually, this became a daily routine,,
He follows my car everyday from school..
But.. NOTHING..
…………………..
FEELING LONELY:
……………………….

‘D’ is always busy.
When he’s not
He is not in the mood
I tried
Lord knows I tried
He won’t change
I can’t change him..

I look for FAZ’s number desperately..
I can’t find it!
DAMN IT!!!!
…………….

The next day
He follows my car again
I pluck the courage to ask him
(Using sign language of course)
‘o ba3deen?’ (Now what?)
He laughs..
He looks down and scribbles
He holds up a piece of paper
With his number on it!

‘Am I going to become one of THOSE girls?
How else am I going to talk to him?
Maybe I shouldn’t talk to him!
But ‘D’ is being a complete JERK!’

I decide.
Tonight, I will call!
……………………

beeep.... beeeeep… beeeep..
bee…… ‘ALOO’
ok not the type of voice I was expecting!
But what the hell..
Just because he LOOKS manly
Doesn’t mean he has to SOUND manly

Me: ‘Aloo’
Him: ‘a5eeeeran!’ (Finally!)

We speak for a while..
He doesn’t really speak any English
He’s 4 years older than ‘D’
He comes from a very conservative family
He is NEW..
Not ‘D’
Not like me..
Just different..
……………………..

QUICK OVERVIEW (the next 3 years):
………………………………………….

FAZ is a friend
FAZ is a boyfriend
FAZ is a brother
FAZ is a best-friend
FAZ knows about ‘D’
‘D’ does not know about FAZ

Perdu and ‘D’ fight
Perdu calls FAZ
‘D’ says he’s sorry
Perdu tells FAZ she’s sorry
But they can not talk anymore
(the above takes place at least 5 times a year)

Perdu fights with ‘D’
FAZ is ALWAYS there!
………………………….

A few notes:

*FAZ is not an angel
*’D’ was very young at the time
*Perdu …. Very confused!
*FAZ thinks Perdu is an angel.. (he did then at least)
*Perdu thinks FAZ is an angel.. (I did then at least)
*Perdu lives a double life: .the perfect little conservative Saudi girl with FAZ.
.just herself with ‘D’.
*’D’ is in the dark!
……………………………………………

COMING UP:
*’D’ finds out
*FAZ disappears
*Life is great!
*Perdu complicates EVERYTHING.. once again..
stay tuned..
…………………………………………….

TO BE CONTINUED!